Jakarta

I went back to Jakarta quite often recently. It's almost every other month I'll go back here, ha-ha. Most of my friends and families wonder how come I have too much holidays. I admit my schedule is not so strict and I'm having lots of short break during my degree. Anyway, that's not the reason why I went back this often. The thing is, after living in Singapore for two years, I felt quite lonely these days, don't really know why. It's great to have a piece of home. To be surrounded by loved ones, I am complete.

I am just...

simply not happy.

I feel like there's a big hole on my chest, empty.

That's the worse feeling ever.

I guess I just have to live with it.

When I'm alone

When I'm alone
The faces they come and they go
They all say that I haven't changed
I wish I could stay
To be where you are
The countries and cities so far
This is my dream and my gift, but sometimes I get scared

That somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere

So I need you when it all starts to show
When I'm alone

I sleep late it's crazy I know
The worlds only passing me by
I guess that is why
I'm telling you now
That I haven't figured it out
The depth of the things that I've missed
They leave me like this

Scared
That somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere
So I need you when it all starts to show
When I'm alone

Is it true that you can find me anytime
Cause I'm feeling like I'm there, it's about that time

And I'm scared
That somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere
So I need you when it all starts to show
When I'm alone 

children church

If you know me well, or if you read some of my posts, you may know that I like love kids. So I decided to signed up for children church ministry. At first, I wonder how come it called children CHURCH and not Sunday School instead, like what's common. I don't know until I stepped in the service hall and see this...

I was amazed about how many kids were there in the hall. How come there are so many kids attending church at Saturday morning? The service started and as predicted, the kids couldn't sit still, poking and talk to their friends. BUT. When it came the time of worship, they stand, raise both of their hands, close their eyes and sing. I could tell they sing from their heart. Some of them even start to tear. 

Looking at that kind of view, my heart swell and I began to tear as well. I mean, they are 6 and 7 years old and yet they understand and can feel the presence of God. It blew my mind. 

When I saw them lifted up their hands and sing "You are everything we need...", that moment I realize Jesus really is for everyone. I don't know about you, but I used to think they won't understand, they won't get it, they are too young and not mature enough to know about Jesus. But I was wrong, I am the one who is not mature and pure enough to know about Jesus. I understand what Jesus said

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, 

for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

-Matthew 19:14 (NIV)

Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those children whom has a pure heart, a heart that's undivided, a heart that's only for Jesus.

What if?

What is your biggest regret in life?

I can be wise and say "what happened in the past is what made me who I am today, so I have no regrets".

But then I ask myself again I dig deep, what is your biggest regret in life? There must be something.  Is it wrong to regret something has happened? My biggest regret must be running away when I were in the entrance test of junior high school back then. I wanted to go to SMPK2 BPK Penabur, one of the top junior high school in town. I literally ran away because the test was too hard and I already got accepted at the other school.

What if I stayed? What if I got in to there? Then continue on to SMAK 1? I probably at NUS now, or NTU, or maybe Universitas Indonesia? Rather being here at MDIS, which people hardly know.

What if I endured a little longer? Things will be different now.

I wanted to be a doctor, but am studying finance and accounting right here right now. What if I have a little more courage to pursue my dream?

What if?   What if?   What if?

Those two words combined together can have the power to haunt you for life. But I'm not here to haunt you with the past, with the things you haven't done or you shouldn't do. I believe every people have their own regrets. But it never is too late, my friend :)

Back to reality, things have happened and I can't go back to the past and change it. It is what it is now. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. When you want to make decision, listen to the soft voice of your heart. It knows what is the best for you. If you have dreams, then have the courage to pursue it. It is hard, but endure a little longer! Then your dream will eventually come to pass. If you have someone you love, have the courage to seize it. Well, it is easier said than done, I know. I myself also trying. Sometimes we just need a little courage, a little motivation, a little voice that say "go, go!". In the next 5 years you might regret of something you do not do rather than something you did.

Do not run away like I did.

Running to You

As I get older and mature I realize I am not the same as I used to be; some in good ways, and some in bad ways. I watch American movies, talk shows and TV serials a lot, and somehow it makes me to be more open-minded. You may say being open and open-minded is a good thing, but I see myself going off-track and if I don't get back soon, I will numb myself. I used to have a strong foundation of what is wrong and what is right; but now all things seem bias. Couple of years ago, I could say gay and lesbian is a totally wrong thing. But now gay and lesbian are all over the streets and movies. Slowly but surely, I become "open" and tend to see it as a normal thing. 

Needless to say, I were at Christian community for over 17 years before I moved to Singapore 2 years ago. I am at the real world now. It's all up to myself to guard myself up and filter things you want to stuck into your head. Environment is something that has an enormous effect for you and yet you do not have any control of it. Being said so, the problem is not my surroundings, but me. 

Seems like I've been away from God for quite a time. Well, I pray, come to church every Sunday, I do good; but I am far from God and it's a scary thing. I was a back slider and I need to slide back to God. I never want to be apart from Him ever again.

Being close to God will be my guard from this world. I watch Glee more than I listen to sermon, I memorize movie quotes rather than Bible verses. That is the problem.

So, I decided to slide back to Him, to make time worshiping Him, reading Bible, or just listening to sermon podcast. I've been through a lot, it's been ups and downs, I was a little off-track but now I'm back.

the loneliest whale :'(

I bumped into sabino's tumblr, he wrote this sad story of the loneliest whale in the world.

                      (photo courtesy: sabino)

I (sabino) just read a comment from a 2004 article by NY Times about the loneliest whale in the world. Scientists have been tracking her since 1992 and they discovered the problem:

she isn’t like any other baleen whale. unlike all whales, she doesn’t have friends. she doesn’t have a family. she doesn’t belong to any tribe, pack or gang. she doesn’t have a lover. she never had one. her songs come in groups of two to six calls, lasting for five to six seconds each. but her voice is unlike any other baleen whale. it is unique—while the rest of her kind communicate between 12 and 25hz, she sings at 51.75hz. you see, that’s precisely the problem. no other whales can hear her. every one of her desperate calls to communicate remains unanswered. each cry ignored. and with every lonely song, she becomes sadder and more frustrated, her notes going deeper in despair as the years go by.

seluas langit biru.

Today I got my last term exam result. I was very nervous because I felt like I didn't do the exam well. My hand was shivering when I open the result, and I got A for Financial Accounting; wow that was great, I thought. Then my eyes scroll down to see the other two result...

My jaw drop, my mouth open, but I barely squeak like a little rat, I gasp and hardly catch my breath. I got C for both Economics of Industry and Company Law. I look at it a little longer, hoping the grade will change suddenly, I flip back the paper checking is it truly my name. It is. I got C, TWO Cs. In my entire life, I never ever ever EVER thought I would get a C for my exam, nor I ever got it. My brain flashing back to the past, when I was in the middle of study month, trying to recall and finding hard if I didn't study hard. I cannot find a thing. I study with my heart out, I study with everything I got, I pray like hell. Then how come I got this kind of thing?

I was feeling down, discourage. I text-ed my mom, friends, best friends, everyone gave me an encouragement word, but non of that is working. I cheering myself up with encouragement words I know, not working. Then suddenly, without any instruction, tears falling down, one by one...before I burst into tears. I'm crying, mourning, asking God why is this happening? Why do you give me this? Why do you let this happen? Is it a punishment? If yes, then why do you punish me so hard?

I couldn't find the answer, it's like God is just sitting in silence staring at me, His mouth is sealed. I am angry, not getting any answer and response. Then in my silence, God reminds me of last Saturday. Last Saturday I did volunteer in YMCA program. I gave a mentor about photography to mental disorder people. They were young adults above 19 years old, but they acted like secondary school student. Despite their condition, they played, took photo, cheered happily. That time I thought perfection might be boring sometimes. Look at them, they're not perfect, but they add colors to the world, they made me smile. I believe they just happy because they ignore and do not bother the fact that they're mental disorder; they didn't know that something is wrong with them. They just live a happy normal life as nothing is going on.

Get back to present, what is my C grades worth compare to their condition? Nothing.

Is there is any reason not to smile? No.

Maybe that is why God created them, to remind our-self  it is ok to make mistakes and fail sometimes. God is fair, He created them with immense heart, as broad as the blue sky.

How many times I said "Be grateful in everything"? It is easy to be grateful when you get a perfect A, but it is the other thing when you can say "Thank God, I love You" when you get C, when bad things happened, when things that you want is not there.

I take this as a motivation, that I have to try harder, learn from my mistakes, knowing that I can do better than yesterday!

There really is no reason not to smile :)

my ultimate valentine.

Some of you may think that the person behind the title of my post today is my boyfriend or other lover. But this Valentine's Day I got something different and I want to share it with you guys. (cautions: this post might be long and dead boring; so before you feel that, i hope you read this precautions first :D)

Valentine's Day is a celebration of love. Period. It's not a celebration of love with boyfriend, nor a celebration of love by having a scrumptious dinner at top fine dining restaurant, nor a celebration of love for those who are not single. No. It's a celebration of love with and for everyone.

This Valentine's Day is going to be different, because despite all the loved ones and beloved partner I have, I cannot forget someone, this one person who matter the most in my life. He is Jesus.

It is not a common thought thinking Jesus or God as your Valentine, I know. But since Valentine is a celebration of love, His love must be taken into account too 'coz (for me) His love is the greatest above all. What people do might make you weak on your knees, burst into tears, and say "aaawww, that's so sweet". What Jesus do make me fall on my knees, shed tears, and say "You have changed my life, it'll never be the same ever again".

I might break up with my boyfriend (knock on the wood :D), married couple might got divorced, friends stab each other at the back, people might leave and let you down, but I can guarantee you, He will never ever ever ever let you go. He will always be there, even you don't love Him anymore, He will always do. He is your and my secret lover. He loves us so much that He sacrifices His own life at the cross thousand years ago.

"There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." -John15:13 (NLT)

Truly, there's no greater love than His. That wide open arms at the cross, saying THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

Tell me, how could I say no to that? I have no reason to not love Him, 'coz He loves me first.

I'm not going to preach on Valentine's Day, I just want to share how I feel His great love, and I'm sure His love is for me, for you, for each and everyone of us. All I can say at the end of the day is

"Jesus, You are my ultimate Valentine."

kids!

A few months back, I volunteered as a photographer (sounds professional, but trust me, I am an amateur) in a kid's camp. For some of you may know, I have a deep passion for children. They are not merely bunch of noisy kids who like to run around here and there. Well, the truth is they are. But. There are something more.

One and only reason I love children is because they are PURE.

What they say is what they meant, what they act is what they desire, what they laugh about is what they think is funny. Grown ups say what other people want to hear, they act what please people, and they laugh and smile, yet hiding something inside. I have to admit that grown ups are FAKE; and yes, I am fake. I am not who I am. I am what I choose to show you. Last time, I am busy pleasing others and got lost. I'm learning that it's not my job pleasing others, but God. It doesn't mean I can do whatever I can. No. I am pleasing others by being who I am, because He has created me as I am.

Be more like kids, be pure.

Here are some shots that show they do not care how do they look, just make a big grin and show some teeth! :D

 

 

 

i laugh out loud while shooting this.

this little girl was amazingly named FELICIA!

and at the end of the camp she cannot get her hands off my camera,

she hold it for hours and shoot maaaannyyyy random images and some of them turns out great!

she said "you know, i'm in looovee with your camera"

COOL!

here is one of the random shots my sweet little twins, Felicia shot.

great, isn't it?

KIDS ARE THE TRULY ARTIST!

woman's heart

A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her.

-c.s lewis

shine your light!

morning!

Here in Singapore the whether is quite sunny, hope it doesn't rain in the end (cause it is not a good atmosphere to study hard! HAHAHAH :D)

Here is a little tips for the day...

be the person who BRIGHTENS the room

when you walk in, not when you

 walk out

shine your light and let the whole world see,

have a great and blessed day!

stealing from God

i didn't tithe last month.

i did success save 58 dollars.

i steal from God.

i didn't give what is His proportion,

i took what belongs to Him.

i felt guilty at the first time but try to ignore it,

and just felt happy coz i can save some money.

Last Saturday, my cell group leader reminded us to tithe,

it was like a slap in the face.

Some of my cell group friends gave a testimony how they experience financial blessing because they are faithful to tithe.

i really want to feel His blessing,

i need a breakthrough.

Malachi 3: 10 said:

"Bring all the tithes into the storehouse.....And try Me now in this,
If I will not open for you the windows of heaven
And pour out for you such blessing
That there will not be room enough to receive it."

There's nothing to hard for God to bless us,

to give us what we want, what we need, even beyond that.

Do not need to worry our money will decrease in number.

In fact, God will protect it and bless us double portion, and even more.

So, last Sunday I gave my tithe for the month of October,

and miraculously, my dad increase my allowance, double size of my tithe!

See, isn't that God is good?

Don't get me wrong, my intention to tithe and give is not merely because of His blessing.

I am learning to be faithful,

even He does not bless me, i will always give.

because I want to,

because that is my part,

because He gave me first.

God knows my heart,

your heart,

our heart.

He knows.

He is good.

God is good all the time.

All the time God is good.

I am super glad I have a super God.

could you?

everyone is questioning what is the point of this life.

what is the purpose that they are here, on Earth.

everyone is questioning which path they should take.

everyone need an assurance,

everyone need an answer.

could you be the answer?

at that cross

 at that cross i bow my knees

at that cross where your blood was shed for me

at that cross where you show there's no greater love than that

at that cross i show my greatest gratitude

at that cross where i should be;

    but you were there, replacing me

at that cross where you gave me another chance

at that cross where i said i will love you forever

at that cross where i can't find any reason not to love you.

i know Easter is already a few days ago, but than this thoughts cross on my mind;

sorry for the late update :D 

its ours

my life is not a fairy tale,

it is not a normal ideal life,

i want this but i do not get it,

it is even harder to be with you

my love,

i understand our journey is not going to be easy;

do not hear what they say, we're still holding strong.

i understand the way of life is winding.

it is stressful,

it is discouraging,

it is exhausting,

it is draining all your power,

it is full of tears

but what i know is:

the harder you get something, the more precious that thing is.

you are to precious that the way is so hard to get you;

our relationship is that beautiful that it needs time to finally get there.

do not be discourage,

i am here,

always on your side,

facing the same thing.

if we hold on still,

if we survive,

this love is ours, forever.

ketika 24 jam terasa kurang

Ketika hidupmu tampak susah untuk dijalani, 

ketika 24 jam sehari terasa masih kurang,

ingatlah akan toples kosong dan dua cangkir kopi.

Seorang professor berdiri di depan kelas filsafat.

Dia mempunyai beberapa barang di atas mejanya. 

Saat kelas dimulai, tanpa mengucapkan sepatah kata, ia mengambil sebuah toples kosong

yang besar dan mulai mengisinya dengan bola-bola golf.

Kemudian ia berkata pada para muridnya, apakah toples itu sudah penuh; mereka menyetujuinya. 

Kemudian ia mengambil sekotak batu koral dan menuangkannya ke dalam toples.

Ia mengguncang dengan ringan.

Batu-batu koral masuk, mengisi tempat yang kosong di antara bola-bola golf. 
Kemudian dia bertanya pada para muridnya, apakah toples itu sudah penuh. Mereka setuju bahwa toples itu sudah penuh.

Selanjutnya profesor mengambil sekotak pasir dan menebarkan ke dalam toples. 

Tentu saja pasir itu menutup segala sesuatunya.

Profesor sekali lagi bertanya apakah toples sudah penuh, para murid menjawab "Ya".

Profesor kemudian menyeduh dua cangkir kopi dari bawah meja dan menuangkan isinya ke dalam toples.

Kopi itu secara cepat mengisi ruangan kosong di antara pasir. Para murid tertawa.  

"Sekarang," kata profesor ketika suara tawa mereda,

"Saya ingin kalian memahami bahwa toples ini mewakili kehidupanmu."

"Bola-bola golf adalah hal-hal yang penting;

Tuhan, keluarga, anak-anak, kesehatan, dan para sahabat. 

Jika segala sesuatu hilang dan hanya tinggal mereka,

maka hidupmu masih tetap penuh. 

Batu-batu koral adalah segala hal lain, seperti pekerjaanmu, rumah dan mobil.

Pasir adalah hal-hal yang lainnya -- hal-hal yang sepele. 

Jika kalian pertama kali memasukkan pasir ke dalam toples," lanjut profesor, 

"Maka tidak akan tersisa ruangan untuk batu-batu koral ataupun untuk bola-bola golf. 

Hal yang sama akan terjadi dalam hidupmu.

Jika kalian menghabiskan energi untuk hal-hal yang sepele, 

kalian tidak akan mempunyai ruang untuk hal-hal yang penting untuk kalian. 

"Jadi, beri perhatian untuk hal-hal yang kritis untuk kebahagiaanmu. 

Bermainlah dengan anak-anakmu. 

Luangkan waktu untuk check up kesehatan. 

Beri waktu untuk hanya berdua dengan pasanganmu."

Akan selalu ada waktu untuk membersihkan rumah dan memperbaiki perabotan. 

"Berikan perhatian terlebih dahulu kepada bola-bola golf, hal-hal yang benar-benar penting. 

Atur prioritasmu. Baru yang terakhir, urus pasir-nya."

Salah satu murid mengangkat tangan dan bertanya, "Kopi mewakili apa?" 

Profesor tersenyum.

"Saya senang kamu bertanya.  Itu untuk menunjukkan kepada kalian, sekalipun hidupmu tampak sudah begitu penuh, tetap selalu tersedia tempat untuk secangkir kopi bersama sahabat... "

an e-mail from a friend of mine.